Townies, pets, and Pollination Technicians gathered recently to mourn the loss of studio Maxis, the beloved parent of The Sims and its less popular siblings, SimCity and Spore. Maxis lived a successful twenty-eight years selling millions of simulation games that shaped an entire generation into sociopaths who would drown despised classmates and mean teachers in pools by taking away the ladders. Maxis is survived by backstabbing ex-partner Electronic Arts, as well as its grandchildren, The Sims 2, The Sims 3, and The Sims 4. It is uncertain how the franchise will go on without its beloved creator. Although Electronic Arts has custody of The Sims 4, which is still in its infancy, there is no word yet on whether it will continue to produce new expansion packs. Loyal fans worry that the future of the entire Sims family is in jeopardy. When asked if there was a chance to plead for Maxis’ life, the Grim Reaper had no comment (he was later seen vacationing on Twikii island, the little skeeze!).
The funeral service was held in the backyard of the Goth mansion, adorned with quirky little plastic flamingoes and gnomes. The Goths were one of the first families introduced to players when The Sims launched back in 2000. Present during the entirety of Maxis’ fifteen-year run with The Sims, an inconsolable Mortimer Goth reminisced:
“I remember the simple days when children never grew up, we ate the same meals every day, and a Sim really had to work hard to earn his living. None of this ‘motherlode’ nonsense; we had to rosebud;1;1;1;1 for twenty minutes just to have half of what our descendants had. Those were decent times; pure times. Why, my wife Bella and I kissed for days before the power of our love created our daughter, Cassandra. Then before we knew it, any idiots with a bed could just ‘try for a baby’ by…woohoo-ing. Bella was so traumatized by this downfall into indecency that she let herself get abducted by aliens in The Sims 2, for crying out loud! But, I digress. The Sims will forever hold a place in our hearts as a beacon of creativity, storytelling, and relaxing elevator music.”
Next, resident playboy Don Lothario took the stage to speak on behalf of The Sims 2:
“Yeah, Imma gonna let you finish and all, Morty, but The Sims 2 was the greatest Sims game of all time. OF ALL TIME. That was the time to be a Sim! I could be a doctor, go on vacation and find buried treasure, hit up some nightclubs, and still be back home in time to have a hot date. The world was better than ever with more neighborhoods, more interactions, and wackier Sims. Especially my buddy over there, Goopy GilsCarbo!!! Love that dude. Remember when I fed you to my cow plant, then resurrected you, and then you became a zombie? Good times, bro, good times. But the best part was all the woohoo for sure…no wonder why your daughter hit up my love tub for some good underwater fun, Morty. Or was that your wife? I forget because they both look like llamas!”
Suddenly, the funeral service erupted into chaos. Mortimer pounced on Don as a huge dirt cloud arose. Don’s numerous girlfriends slapped Cassandra Goth silly. Subsequently, one of them went into labor and had triplets right over the buffet table (she couldn’t hold her new son Benedillpickles Cucumber, however, because she couldn’t maneuver around a stray plate of cake lying on the ground). Meanwhile, Nervous Subject curled up in the fetal position mumbling about “the man in the bunny suit.” Aliens abducted poor Bella Goth again, Malcolm Landgraab IV decided to avoid the chaos by cloud-gazing and was struck by a meteorite, and a hideously designed custom-made Inuyasha Sim from 2004 danced to Katy Perry’s Hot N Cold in Simlish as his big red pants glitched out all over the mansion.
An exhausted Betty Simovitch took the stage to share memories of The Sims 3, but she just stood there for over an hour. Within that time, perfectly healthy young adult Skip Broke suddenly died, and one of the newborn triplets mysteriously disappeared without a trace. On a brighter note, a fairy Sim, aptly named Justin Bieber, suddenly found himself with a vampire baby despite never having woohoo’ed.
“I knew I shouldn’t have purchased The Sims 3 for the Mac,” Alexander Goth grumbled.
Last but not least, Nina Caliente ended the ceremony with some hopeful remarks on The Sims 4:
“Well, it’s been a crazy fifteen years, people. The players tested our limits, and we met them with our hundreds of babies, countless deaths and resurrections, and legacies that would last a lifetime. Sure, The Sims 3 may not have the fond memories associated with it as the first two games, but at least we looked freakin’ sexy. And we look even sexier in The Sims 4, with our crazy expressions and swagalicious walks. Sure, the newest installment is still missing a ton of stuff, like an open world and toddlers, but let’s be real, who wanted to take the time to teach little droolies to not poop themselves? Trust me, I had to raise ten of those in The Sims 2; I’ll gladly bypass that stage this time around, thank you very much!”
The remaining survivors of the funeral service then went to the local lounge for some karaoke and competitive games of kicky bag, except for Betty Simovitch, who continued standing in the same spot for hours. Alas, she died of starvation a day later even though she was standing right next to a lone plate of cake on the ground (Benedillpickles Cucumber had been blocking the cake the whole time). We will miss her dearly, just as we will miss our dearly departed Maxis for making all this madness possible.
Images via screenshots of The Sims 2, The Sims 3, and The Sims 4