Gotta get back to Hogwarts? Let’s be honest: no matter how old you are, every summer, you’re still eagerly awaiting your Hogwarts letter (you poor muggle). Whether you’re going back to school, moving, or staying at the same job, you’d much rather be at Hogwarts. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be immersed in a world with teleportation via fireplace, talking pictures, and chocolate frogs? Sure, there are dark wizards who somehow infiltrate the safest place in the wizarding world every year, tournaments where teenagers fight dragons, and giant spiders that could kill you wandering around the school grounds, not to mention lethal mermaids, centaurs who may or may not want to trample you, and Severus Snape…but that’s nothing compared to the magical magic you will be magic-ing.
Actually, when you think about it, Hogwarts is pretty effed up. And you know what’s even more effed up? The Harry Potter movies. At least the books paint a vivid picture of how wacky the wizarding world is and offer insight into why that world is the way it is. The movies, for the most part, just throw logic to the wind because ain’t nobody got time for that. Understandably, no movie is ever going to have as much detail as the book, and adaptational changes aren’t necessarily bad. However, even people who have not read the Harry Potter books have to admit that the movies can be confusing, weird, and really, really awkward at times.
The Minerva crew had an intense debate over which one of the movies would make for the best drinking game. Do we choose the worst movie, which is a debate within itself (sidenote: come on, you all know it’s The Half-Blood Prince)? Do we choose one of the first two movies, which, while faithful to the books, are extremely corny? Or do we choose a movie that’s a good mix of campy and faithful (Prisoner of Azkaban)?
We ultimately decided to go with the movie that we felt made the least sense to both book purists and book muggles alike, and that was The Goblet of Fire.
From Dumbledore’s incoherent and angry OOC outbursts, to the unflattering haircuts, to pre-Twilight Robert Pattinson’s sexual tension with Harry, there’s a lot of unintentional comedic gold here. Probably too much, as the Minerva Crew was quickly hammered on Butterbeer and Fire Whiskey, which you too can enjoy!
– one part rum (any kind you fancy)
– one part butter shots liquer
– one part dark soda (we recommend Coke, Root Beer, or Cream Soda)
Here’s the Leaky Cauldron’s recipe for Fire Whiskey.
There are also some Harry Potter-inspired cocktails for your enjoyment.
Once you’ve picked your potion, you must also pick your drinking game. You can either play the regular version, or if you really want to get drunk, you can add the rules from our Book Purists Edition below.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Drinking Game: The Rules
- Drink whenever any variation of the Harry Potter theme music plays
- Drink every time you despair over how terrible Harry and Ron’s hair is
- Drink whenever Cedric does something Edward Cullen-ish
- Take a bonus drink whenever he has awkward sexual tension with Harry
- Another bonus: First person to make a clever Twilight pun abstains while everyone else drinks.
- If the pun sucks, then the person who suggested it has to drink instead.
- Drink when gender roles are shoved in your face (ex. When the Beauxbatons and Durmstrang students enter)
- Drink every time Harry and Ron look at a girl or talk to her like a complete doofus
- Take another drink whenever Harry and Ron refer to girls as animals or prey
- Drink every time a pair of twins says something in unison
- Finish your drink when Dumbledore shakes Harry and demands “HARRY DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE??!!!!”
- Hell, just take a drink every time Dumbledore shouts, which is basically every scene he’s in
- Drink whenever Minerva McGonagall is the voice of reason
- Drink every time Moody drinks
- Drink whenever there is some big, unnecessary special effect
- Drink when horrible CGI Sirius makes a cameo in the fireplace
- Drink every time someone has to help Harry figure out his shit (whether a task or feelings or whatever)
- Drink whenever Rita Skeeter makes you uncomfortable
- Drink when Hermione arrives at the Yule Ball and looks the same as she always fucking does
- Drink whenever Snape does something sassy
- Drink whenever Barty Crouch is awkward
- Drink whenever someone references another movie/show that a Harry Potter actor is in
- Finish your drink when the spare is killed
- If you have fire whisky: Drink every time Neville is a cinnamon roll and then you remember that he’s super effing hot now
Book Purists SUPER DRUNK edition:
- Drink every time the movie leaves out a pivotal plot point from the books (example: Hermione finding out how Rita Skeeter spied on them, SPEW, Bill and Fleur meeting)
- Drink whenever a plot point is introduced but not explained (Example: Madame Maxime being a half-giant, Igor Karkaroff being a death eater but then being allowed to become headmaster of Durmstrang, Viktor Krum getting bewitched without explanation, why the death eaters were causing mayhem at the Quidditch World Cup, the truth behind what happened to Barty Crouch Jr.; the list could go on and on)
- Drink every time something really trivial is changed just because (example: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang not being co-ed because yay gender roles)
- Drink when you feel personally victimized by cutting out most of the Quidditch World Cup
- Drink whenever Steve Kloves shows his blatant Harmony and/or anti-Ron bias
- Drink when the poor dragon plummets to his death
- In the spirit of activist Hermione, drink every time there is an instance of house elf erasure (example: Neville gives Harry the gillyweed instead of Dobby)
- Drink when Nigel appears because WHO THE FUCK IS NIGEL?!
Although we spent a good portion of the movie ranting, we had a blast. Until next time, geeks! Share your thoughts in the comments below. What in the movies has you ranting and raving? Which Harry Potter movie IS the worst? What would you like to see us write drinking games for next? Let us know!