I’m someone who started watching The Bachelor franchise as a joke and now I can’t look away from the flaming pile of garbage that appears on TV every week. Since the Bachelor franchise is undeniable part of the cultural conversation these days, I volunteered to write a weekly blog about this season of The Bachelorette. Because last week had enough Bachelorette related content, we’ll start with the second episode of the season.

(Note: most Bachelor(ette) related blogs come out on Monday night after the episode has aired, or Tuesday mornings to give normal people time to write. I will be writing this blog whenever I get around to watching because I’m one of those millennials who doesn’t have cable.)

This week’s episode started with a whole lot of Chad in the “Tonight on The Bachelorette” preview. Since Chad is on my fantasy team as a token bad-boy, I am fine with this. He seems to be shaping up as the villain of this season and will undoubtedly make a better villain than can-fit-her-whole-fist-in-her-mouth Olivia. Jojo says some stuff at the top of the episode that I’ve already forgotten, though it definitely mentioned last season’s Bachelor and winner, Ben and Lauren, in a weird “I’m not jealous but I’m definitely gonna win this breakup” kind of way. A date card is dropped and then Chris Harrison sets a limo on fire, and somehow the men are surprised when Jojo is in the fire truck.

The first group date is a fire-safety/dress-these-dudes-up-in-uniforms date. The men have to complete a firefighter training course and then three guys are chosen to do an actual challenge. Wells, the skinny DJ who kind of looks like Rami Malek, is visibly struggling and gets thrown on a stretcher with a bottle of water, which wins him some points with Jojo, who is dressed like Misty from Pokemon but also a firefighter. For reference, Wells is also on my fantasy team. Grant, AKA Handsome Squidward AKA a Real Life Firefighter As In Yes He Does This For His Job AKA Harry Potter Hater, wins the challenge and gets some one-on-one time with Jojo at the post-date cocktail party. The Bachelor franchise is also the only place you’ll find cocktail parties outside of the 90’s. Handsome Squidward clinches the first kiss of the episode, and back at the mansion, one of the men who looks remarkably like Lee Pace reads the date card (which is for Derek, one of the many generic white guys with so far nothing remarkable about him).

At the cocktail party, Wells is adorable and shows Jojo pictures of his dog Carl (yes, really). Luke, the second runner up to the challenge, refuses to play the game of The Bachelorette and mopes while Jojo hangs out with other dudes. Luke gets the second kiss, and Jojo’s type becomes really obvious, but the rose goes to Wells on the date which means I get 15 points for my fantasy team in addition to 10 points for Wells requiring medical attention.

Derek from The Bachelorette

Jojo and Derek, AKA One Step Down From John Krasinski, go on a choose-your-own-adventure date. At this point I finished my sushi and poured myself a second glass of wine. They end up in San Francisco, but otherwise have a pretty uneventful time. Jojo is clearly a pro, unlike Ben Higgins who essentially stumbled through an entire season as if he hadn’t just done it on The Bachelorette. Jojo gives Derek a rose and they kiss in front of a fountain.

Next DAMN DANIEL and OMFG CHAD are chatting in matching black wifebeaters about how women should avoid nice guys and Chad makes some gross comments about how Jojo needs a real man and attempts a weird analogy about all of the dudes in the house coming together to make a protein shake. Yeah, I know. Chase, Lee Pace Lookalike, and some other guy don’t get chosen for the final group date, and Chad is a douche about it. I’m gonna need Chad to draw some blood or have a secret relationship for him to carry his weight on my fantasy team.

To start out the group date, Alex calls Chad a “super douche,” and the guys go to ESPN which I guess is a TV channel about sports. Jordan Rogers, the third guy on my fantasy team and Aaron Rogers’ younger brother, is concerned because the sportscaster apparently doesn’t like quarterbacks and Jordan was apparently a QB. I’m only 38 minutes into this episode, dear god. I don’t really know what the goal of this group date was, but they did lots of sports-related things like dancing on turf and fake-proposing. Chad gets worked up about about the other guys “playing the game” which is literally the point of the show. He calls Jojo naggy, and Alex and Jordan practically do a Johnny Manziel-style endzone celebration. So far everything James Taylor has done is singing. James Taylor wins the date, and Chad is bitter even though he came in second.

At the cocktail party, Chad and Jojo kiss, which feels gross, but more points for me. James Taylor takes home the rose on the date. Chad is predictably weird about it and maybe a serial killer.

The final pre-rose cocktail party of the episode can be summarized as “I cannot believe Chad is a 28-year-old human.” Wait, no. Chad is shoving his face with cold cuts. Those cold cuts might be the Right Reasons that Chad is there for. Squidward remarks that Chad has eaten enough to feed a kindergarten classroom, wait no, maybe even fifth grade. Chad continues to eat cold cuts until the rose ceremony. Wait no, during the rose ceremony.

Chad gets the Final Rose of the ceremony, and the Bachelor Superfan, Fake Lee Pace, Some Guy Whose Name I Can’t Remember are sent home. Chad continues to be douchey and talks about protein shakes throughout the ceremony. Still deciding on whether he was a good choice for my fantasy team or a bad choice. What the fuck is this show.

Featured image via screengrab.