This week on The Bachelorette we are faced with the actual bane of my existence: a two-part episode. Because there was four hours of content on The Bachelorette this week, this Rose before Bros might be a bit longer than last week’s but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum considering fuck-all happened, really.
The “this week on The Bachelorette” for Monday night’s episode begins with a whole lot of Chad again, and on a tip from a friend that Chad has more screentime than Jojo in this episode, I decided to keep a tally of how many times the word “Chad” is said, and how many times the word “Jojo” is said. The episode opens up with some shots of The Bachelor mansion looking absolutely Are You The One-style trashed; there are empty cups and meat-plates everywhere and Chris Harrison is pretending to clean up toilet paper from the trees in front of the house even though he’s wearing a suit.
Five minute tally: Chad 9, Jojo 4
Chase receives the first one-on-one date this week, where he and Jojo go to what looks like an unassuming hot yoga studio, but the first thing the instructor asks is how long they have been “intimate,” which is Bachelor-speak for “banging.” Considering this is The Bachelor and sex is banned until the Fantasy Suites, they say never, and oh boy it only gets more uncomfortable. The instructor shows them how to have an “angergasm,” which is essentially a lot of deep breathing and screaming. Chase looks incredibly awkward and they keep cutting to Jojo saying how awkward it is and they’re playing The Bachelor’s “this is awkward” stock music. We get it.
Back at the mansion, Damn Daniel and Chad are comparing their workout regimens and methods of counting calories. How bromantic.
Jojo and Chase have the remainder of their date at typical Bachelor private concert of a B list musician that no one’s ever heard of. Jojo keeps talking about how well the date is going but Chase looks very not-excited. He gets a rose anyways because let’s be real, you have to screw up real bad on a one-on-one date to not get a rose.
A group date card is issued at the mansion, and my entire fantasy team of Chad, Wells, and Jordan are on the date, plus nine of the other men, which Chad takes a massive beef with. As soon as his name is called, he announces that he won’t be going on the date because it’s with too many people. Jordan asks him why he would trade some time with Jojo for no time with Jojo, and Chad, in a COMPLETELY delusional manner, asserts that he will be getting the one-on-one date so it doesn’t matter. Newsflash: your name is on the group date whether you’re there or not, Chad. There’s no one-on-one date coming your way. Jordan and Chad continue to verbally brawl, because real brawling isn’t allowed on network TV, and Jordan says, “Whatever team Chad’s on, I hope it’s a bench press team and not a spelling contest,” making him my second favorite person on this show behind Wells. Alex also calls out Chad for being “a piece of shit.”
20 minute tally: Chad 14, Jojo 9
The group date is in a black box theatre and appears to be a sex-themed stand up show. I’m honestly not sure who was asleep at both The Bachelorette producer’s box and at ABC for this date to get broadcast, because the idea of the date is that the men get up and tell their most embarrassing true life sex stories. Some highlights include Daniel talking about how he tied a girl up and the decided to cut a piece of her hair off because he’s an actual serial killer, and Wells describing his “worst threesome experience.” Evan, our resident erectile dysfunction expert, decides to use this opportunity to call out Chad for using steroids and being generally douchey, but it’s pretty clear to me that is producer meddling, and I know this because I watched UnREAL. Chad goes last, right after Evan, and as they pass each other, Chad attempts to pull Evan to the floor by his shirt, but instead just rips Evan’s shirt off his body. Chad takes the stage and (surprise), refuses to play the game. He calls Jojo down as a “volunteer,” and tells her that he doesn’t want to tell her about his sexual history because, basically, it’s none of her business, and he only cares about the future. He tries to kiss her, which Jojo artfully dodges and then looks pretty grossed out.
Offstage, Chad punches a door and threatens actual murder twice. He seems to think that the fact the men have any feelings of any kind at all is a bad thing, and keeps trying to use “sensitive” as an insult. Chad is a great example of a terrible person and a pretty good TV representation of what Donald Trump would be like as president. At this point, Chad has been mentioned 30 times and Jojo has been mentioned 14 times. Evan gives Jojo an ultimatum that if Chad stays, he’ll leave. Jojo gives Evan the rose for the date, but says she can’t make any promises that Chad will be going home. Evan forgets his ultimatum and happily accepts his rose. Chad proceeds to rage, and likens Evan to Gary Oldman in Fifth Element and yes, compares Grant to Handsome Squidward.
James Taylor and Jojo go on a pretty uneventful one on one date where they go swing dancing with some really old people, but her dress is on point.
At the mansion, Derek comments that he’s afraid Chad will choke him in his sleep, so there’s now a security guard patrolling the mansion. Damn Daniel and Chad have a heart-to-heart where Damn Daniel compares Chad to Hitler and Trump and George W Bush, which as a Canadian, is the worst set of insults he can dole out. Chris Harrison announces that there won’t be a cocktail party before the rose ceremony, but instead there will be an all-day pool party. Chad pulls a classic “nice guy” move saying that he would rather have the cocktail party so that Jojo isn’t in her bikini in front of all the other guys and can be modest for him. Ugh, gross.
Evan goes to Dad Chris Harrison for advice about Chad and tells Dad Chris Harrison that he thinks Chad is a threat, and Dad Chris Harrison decides to “step in,” whatever that means. Well, we immediately find out what that means when Dad Chris Harrison pulls Chad aside in front of all of the rest of the guys, because there’s no such thing as low key on this show. Thank God Dad Chris Harrison has a brain inside his head, and doesn’t believe Chad’s royal bullshit, but tells Chad he needs to chill and apologize. Instead, Chad describes, in detail, the Ted Bundy style method in which he is going to murder all of the other contestants in the house. I am not kidding. This actually happened. We’re then prompted with a “to-be-continued” card, and in the previews we’re shown two different guys bleeding from the face, neither of which are Chad.
Final tally for Monday night: Chad 45, Jojo 20.
Tuesday night picks up immediately where Monday left off, with Chad going in to “apologize” to the other guys for, you know, threatening to murder them. He offers Evan $20 for tearing his shirt but refuses to apologize, and just flat-out lies to both the other men and the camera crew. You can almost see his Grinch-like heart shrivel up inside his chest.
The pool party begins and everyone does tequila shots. Evan almost immediately gets a bloody nose from jumping in the pool, eliminating him from our “might get beaten up by Chad in this episode” pool. Jordan and Jojo make out some, and Jojo expresses some fear that Jordan is hiding something. Jordan is playing the strong but reserved frontrunner in this season, which Jojo did last season and ended up not-married, so this could mean a Jordan Rodgers Bachelor?
Chad generally acts like a jerk and pulls Derek aside to make an example of him or something, but Derek calls him a misogynist and tells Chad that he won’t lie to Jojo for him. This is the difference between a “nice guy” and a genuinely good guy.
The rose ceremony begins, and we lose Ali, Christian, and a couple other guys who aren’t Chad. As soon as Jojo called Chad’s name while I was watching, there was a dramatic clap of thunder and it started to downpour so clearly mother nature is not Team Chad. I stopped tallying the Chads and Jojos while watching this episode, but assume the same ratio still stands.
Jojo announces that they’re leaving the mansion, and the next time we see them, they’re in… Pennsylvania? They’re in rural Pennsylvania. Luke gets a one-on-one date, and he and Jojo get to go on a dogsled, and they end up at a wood-fired hot tub. Luke chops some wood and apparently overdoes it because he basically turns Jojo into soup and she stands outside the hot tub for awhile because it’s a tank of lava. Luke and Jojo’s date is also pretty run of the mill, he tells a story about the military and spends most of the date brooding.
At the cabin, a date card is delivered for a group date. The only two people not on the group date are Alex and Chad, meaning they’re set up for a 2 on 1 date later where one of them will be sent home. The group date is another football date, and Jordan plays QB for both teams while the other dudes beat the shit out of each other. James Taylor ends up with a “tis only a flesh wound” style bandage around his profusely bleeding head but refuses stitches, and Evan gets another nosebleed. At the post-game roundup, the winning team gets to spend more time with Jojo. Jordan tells her that he’s falling in love with her, and Robby—the one who looks like a jetski salesman—makes out with Jojo on a pool table. Jordan gets the rose for this date.
The final date card comes and it’s a wilderness themed 2 on 1 for Chad and Alex. The losing team returns from their group date and start chatting, so Chad threatens to beat up Alex, Grant, Luke, and Wells for questioning his masculinity/intentions. Chad calls them all “fake” and asks them “do you think this is a show?” Yes, Chad. You are literally on a television show where the goal is to win a marriage and you’re not doing too hot right now. The next morning before the final date, the men are conversing and Chad tells Jordan that when the show is over, he will find Jordan’s house and kick his ass, seeming to forget that Jordan has the entire Green Bay Packers team behind him.
On Chad and Alex’s date with Jojo, Chad is given A LITERAL MACHETE and Alex is given an axe for this hike, so I can only assume we are going to have a Most Dangerous Game style date where the winner is the person left alive. Unfortunately, they hike to a rock and have some uneventful conversations. Jojo gives the rose to Alex and tells Chad goodbye, while Jojo and Alex walk back off to the helicopter. At the cabin, Chad’s luggage is removed and the men literally celebrate with champagne and party poppers.
HA JUST KIDDING. The next ten minutes focus on Jojo and Alex’s postdate, juxtaposed with Chad wandering through the woods until he ends up back at the cabin to find the men celebrating his demise. He stands in front of the glass door and taps at the door with some C-quality horror movie music underscoring him until we get another fade to black and “to be continued…”
In summary, this week didn’t really need to be a two-parter, but the second episode would have been super boring if not for the obligatory Chad drama. There’s no new episode next week so no new Rose before Bros either, but you may be lucky enough to get a bonus article about why MTV’s Are You The One is the greatest TV dating show ever made.
All images via ABC.